SUEvivor: Van Helsing
by Jade Snape-Holloway
Summary: Ten Van Helsing Mary Sues.....Nine Challenges.....Who will be....the Ultimate Van Helsing Mary Sue! Tune in to find out!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: In case you don't know what SUEvivor is, it's about a bunch of Mary Sues going on a Survivor style game show. If you don't know what a Mary Sue is, turn back now.

Now, I know the Van Helsing fandom isn't totally crawling with Sues, like, say Harry Potter. But I've read A TON on here and quizilla. com. So all of the ones I read are parody-ed here. Please review!!!

CHALLENGE 1: QUESTIONS

Kacila VampireHunter!Sue Antonia Dracula'sDaughter!Sue Amee NowDay!Sue Safiya Hybred!Sue Duvessa Dracula'sBride!Sue Hanna LastValarius!Sue Jade S. AuthorSue Tempest Random!Sue Kerry Ann Dracula'sObbsession!Sue Casondrah OldestVampire!Sue

Ten Van Helsing Mary Sues... Nine challenges...Who will be...The Ultimate Van Helsing Mary Sue?!

XOXOXOXO Ten Mary Sues stood at the foot of a hill, a sparkling mass of walking perfection.They were waiting for the host of this new show.  
There was so much Sueishness going on, normal people couldn't get within fifty feet of the Sues without fainting.

"Oh my, like, GOD!!! This is so totally exciting!!!" Amee, the NowDay!Sue squealed, jumping up and down. Though in her five inch tall heels, that wasn't a very smart thing to do. But it was OK, cause...she wasn't very smart.

"Is this where we were supposed to meet the host?" asked a sweet looking Sue who was just so pretty and angelic you just KNEW she was totally innocent and pure. Mere mortals actually burst into tears at her voice.

Just then another girl popped up on the hill.  
"Yes, it is! And I'm your host, Jade H.! The 'H' is for "Host', by the way," the new girl said. She was clearly not a Sue, as she actually looked normal.  
"Welcome, Sues, to the fifth season of SUEvivor! The most popular (and only) game show for Sues! For nine weeks, you Sues will live together and complete challenges every week. Each week you will vote someone out until the last week, when one of you will be named the Ultimate Van Helsing Mary Sue," Jade H. said.  
Jade H. turned to a blond/brown haired Sue with big brown eyes and a red peasant dress.  
She looked almost just like Jade H., except Jade H. was much less UNBELIEVABLY HOTT.  
That's right. Cap- locks hot.  
Anyway, this Sue was Jade S., the author's Sue. Thus, the 'S'. For Sue.

"Jade S. You won SUEvivor last season. Do you think you'll be able to pull off another win this time?" Jade H. asked.  
"Probably not," Jade S. answered. They waited, but nothing else was said.

"Ooookay." Jade H. She shook her head and turned to Antonia.  
"Antonia, as Dracula's Daughter, you're very popular. You always seem to pop up in a few fan fic sites. Do you think you'll win"  
"But of course. I am incredibly powerful and awesome and therefore destined to vin," Antonia shrugged. Yes, she did have a Transylvanian accent.

"Yeah, but...all of you are," Jade H. pointed out.  
Antonia just crossed her arms and looked away.  
"Riiiiight. That's enough of this. Why don't I show you Sues where you'll be staying for the next few weeks?" Jade H. offered.  
And since it was her show, the Sues didn't have much choice but to follow her.

The trekked down the hill until they reached a dark and evil looking castle.  
Jade H. swung the doors open. There was a cryptic creak, a swarm of bats, and a bolt of lightning for no apparent reason.  
"See? Even the doors are cliche!" Jade H. told them.

They went down a cobweb-y hall way, that was lit by torches.  
Finally the came to a big gothic looking door, which Jade H. opened.  
All the Sues gasped dramatically. Inside was all dark cold. Spider webs hung everywhere and the furniture was covered in dust, including the crazy huge chandelier on the ceiling.  
It was perfect for a bunch of vampires/vampire hunters/ Transylvanian peasants!

"This is your new home!" Jade H. announced. "The bed room is over there, and down stairs there's an awesome ball room. You know, for having super cool masquerade balls with Dracula. Um, OK," she said, as all the Sues ignored her, running in circles in the room screaming.

"I'll just...leave you guys to get settled, then," Jade H. said as she slowly backed out of the Sue room.  
Remember Dracula's weird little servants from the movie? Well, a whole bunch of them waddled into the room, carrying all the Sues luggage. There was so much leather in there it actually mooed.

Tempest, the Random Sue, grabbed her bags and ran (gracefully, of course) into the bed rooms.  
"Wooooow," all the Sues awed upon entering. There were ten beds all in a row, all of which were cobweb-y and gothic.  
Then there was a giant walk-in closet the size of a small country and a mirror that told them how gorgeous they were.

"This...is...perfect," Duvessa, Dracula's bride, said. "It's just like my home in the castle"  
"Dracula's castle didn't look like this, " Casondrah pointed out. She was very ancient and beautiful, and therefore wise.

Duvessa gave her a look. "Like facts matter."

"Well, I would much rather be in the wild Transylvanian forests," commented Safiya. You could tell she was a hybrid Sue because of her yellow eyes, cat ears, and awesome tail.  
Yes, she was half wolf, half cat, half fox, and half penguin (that was an accident, though). The Vampires automatically disliked her cause of her wolfy-ness.

"Yeah, well, I'D rather be killing off vampire scum, but you don't hear ME complaining," Kacila snapped. She was the vampire hunter, so she had to wear the Van Helsing hat and bandana at all times.

"Vatch it, human. It's a known fact Vampires are AWESOME," Antonia said, and all the vampires stood together with their arms crossed, glaring at the others.

"Why is it you're the only vampire with an accent here?" Hanna asked. Incidentally, she was dressed exactly like Anna.  
Antonia opened and closed her mouth, trying to think of an answer. Finally she said, "Don't ask questions."

XOXOXOXOXOXO

About an hour later, all the Sues had settled in.  
The vampire Sues were lying in their stereotypical coffins, because Mary Sue fics are stereotypical.

A bat flew into the window, carrying a scroll of some sort.  
"That's weird," said Jade S. "Were there even bats in the Van Helsing movie"  
No body remembered, so Kerry Ann glided over to the bat and looked at the scroll. "It says here that our challenge is going to be held in the ball room. Um, right now," she said. "I guess we should go."

So all the Sues went to the big fancy ball room that looked just like the one in Van Helsing (minus the dancing vampires), because Suethors are only creative with their Sue's names.  
Suddenly all the Sues burst into fan girl- like screams and squeals, because they had just seen their judges: Van Helsing, Dracula, and Velken.

"DRAKKIE!!!!" screamed most of them. There was a sudden wave of Sues all bearing down on the prince of darkness, who barely had time to scream in horror before they were on him, trying desperately to make out.

Jade S. was clinging to his neck, practically strangling him, while Duvessa and Casondrah just hugged him incredibly tightly. "Help...me..." he gasped at Van Helsing, who just laughed...until his Sues tackled him to the ground.

Velken, realizing what was about to happen, tried to run out, but his fan girls found him too and nearly glomped his face off.  
Jade H. looked on, slightly amused but mostly annoyed until security came running up and pulled the crazed Sues away.

"You," Dracula said angrily, pointing at Jade H. "You never warned us about this"  
"Yeah!" Van Helsing added. "You just said we'd be judging hot women"  
Jade H. shrugged. "Yeah, well, you should have read the fine print in your contracts."

Jade H. turned her back on the hot guys, who were now looking over their contracts with a huge magnifying glass to find the fine print. "OK Sues, if any of you have seen past seasons of SUEvivor, then you'll know we always start the game with the challenge of Sueish questions. So pretty much, the judges will ask you something any REAL Sue would know, and you answer it as best you can."

The Sues nodded, except for Amee, who was distracted by something shinny.

"Alrighty then. The first question is for Antonia," Jade H. told them, then looked back at the hot guys.  
"Oh, right. Ok, Antonia, you're supposed to be Dracula's daughter. Why is it you don't look like any of Dracula's children from the movie?" Van Helsing asked.

"Are you joking? Have you SEEN those things? Who vould vant to fall in love vith a slimy gray thing that explodes into green?!" Antonia cried. "As a Sue I must be pretty."

"Well, of course. Now, Duvessa. You are NOT my bride. Why should I not just kill you and save myself the Sueish-ness?" Dracula demanded.

"Drakkie," Duvessa purred, patting him on the head. "You saw me in a village and fell madly in love with me, so you killed me and turned me into a vampire to show that love. Now we are married and I'm your favorite bride!"

"That makes total sense and I understand completely," Dracula said, entranced by her beauty.

"Uhhh, Oooookay. Kacila. You're the vampire hunter. The best one in the world, actually. How are you different from Van Helsing?" Velkin asked.  
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Kacila said, and that went on for a while. Then she brightened and said, "Duh. I'm a girl!"

Jade H. rubbed her forehead. "Arg, the Sueish-ness! It burns!!!" "It burns us all, Jade," Van Helsing said. "Now, Hanna. How do you explain that you are the last of the Valarious when everyone knows Anna really is?"

"Van Helsing, it's a known fact that everyone are idiots," Hanna said in a dismissive manner. Everyone stared at her blankly. "Well," said Jade H. "Yeah, but could we get an answer"  
"Please. If I wasn't the real Valarious, what would I be doing here?" Hanna demanded.

They all looked around. "Well you can't argue with that," Dracula said. "Alright. Jade S. As an author Sue, you really don't have any pre-established cliches. So what will you do in your fan fics?"

"Ah, ya know," Jade S. shrugged. "I just follow you around adoringly and get myself stuck in life threatening situations so hot guys can save me. It's not much but it's how I roll." 

"Casondrah," Velkin began. "You are the oldest, most awesomest vampire ever. You also have all the powers ever invented. Could you give us an over view of said powers?"

"But of course. Lets see...mind control, mind reading, telepathy, telekinesis, auric sight, flight, emotion control, controls the elements, controls the weather, talks to animals..."

"OK, thank you...Seriously, that's enough...STOP TALKING!" Jade H. screamed.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

The scene came back. They had duct taped Casondrah's mouth shut.

Van Helsing nodded as Dracula wrote something on a note pad. "Tempest, your situation is a lot like Jade's. You're a Random!Sue, so what do you do?" Van Helsing asked.  
Tempest giggled sweetly and several guys fainted.

"I wander alley ways and wait for an evil drunk guy to attack me so Dracula or Van Helsing will swoop in a save me, even though I'm a black belt in martial arts and could totally take the drunk guy out! " she answered with a dazzling smile.

The judges shared a confused look. "So...you like, just live in dark alley ways, waiting"  
"Uh huh"  
"...Righto, then. Kerry-Ann. You are Dracula's New Obsession Sue. What are you like in your fics?" Velkin asked.

"Besides perfect? Well, I'm sweet, innocent, loving, and I'm a virgin, which my Suethors make a big deal about for some reason," Kerry-Ann listed her awesome traits without even a mention of her bad ones, if she even had any.

"Well, isn't that special? Safiya. How do you respond to claims that you're not in enough fan fics to be in this show?" Dracula questioned.

Safiya tossed her golden mane (notice the animal references) and sneered, her fox tail swishing and cat eyes narrowing. "I will respond the same way my Suethors respond: Those stupid jerks are just jealous! They wish they could write like me! Wait, sorry. I mean, they wish they were as cool as me!" 

"And the last question is for Amee. You are a the fan girl Sue. So, you randomly fell into the movie-verse and are now running around ruining it," Van Helsing said. "Am I right so far"  
Amee nodded, smiling dumbly. "That sounds about right."

"Uh huh. Now here's a role play question for you: You force your way into Dracula's castle and find that, oh no! He is reacting in an IN CHARACTER way and tries to kill you! What do you do?"

Amee's face went blank with the horror of a character acting the right way in a fic. She quickly recovered and said, "I just let him turn me into a vampire and start my life as some form of Vampire Sue." 

The judges nodded solemnly. "And now we figure up the answers," Dracula announced.  
The three hot guys put their heads together, talking quietly and seriously, pouring over a note pad.

Dramatic music played as the camera panned across the Sues dazzling faces.  
Finally Velkin stood up. "We have reached a conclusion. All of you showed amazing use of Sue Logic. Well, except for Jade S., but we can't vote you off this early in the show."

"Yes, so tonight's winner will be...Casondrah, for being a true Sue and not stopping no matter how much the readers beg you to!"

"Like I didn't see that coming, what with my predicting power," Casondrah sneered. The duct tape went back on.

"OK, Sues. Now we vote some one out. Casondrah, you go first," Jade H. held out a Van Helsing style hat and Casondrah put her vote in it. So did the others, but it's late and I don't want to describe it. 

"Alright. Frist vote, Amee. Safiya. Kacila. Safiya. Jade S. Safiya. Amee. Amee. Hanna. And the first person voted out of SUEvivor: Van Helsing is...Sayfia."

Safiya hissed and stalked out.

"Alright, I'll see you Sues next week for your next challenge!"

END OF CHALLENGE 1

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: The Mary Sues band together for their next challenge, mentoring young Sues just starting their career in fan fiction.

A/N: Kay, the next challenge will be funnier, I think. Sorry it took so long. :( Please review! 


	2. Challenge 2: Mentoring!

A/N: Thanks for reviewing, people! Yay, I know the last chapter was a little slow and I

messed up the voting. But I was writing that late at night. And the first chapters are always

not so great. Hope this one's better!

CHALLENGE 2: MARY SUE MENTORING

The nine Mary Sues sat in their dusty castle the day of their second challenge.  
Hanna, Kacila, and Tempest had got straight down to business and were plotting how to win the show already.

"Alright, I think I have the perfect plan!" Kacila said excitedly. "Tempest, you have the most important- Tempest! Hello!" Tempest stopped staring at nothing long enough to look up. "Oh, sorry, were we talking?"

And while Kacila banged her head on the wall a few times, the vampire Sues were slow dancing with themselves.  
Jade S. thought this looked fun, so she joined it. Only her dance ended up a cross between the robot and a river dance.

Amee and Kerry-Ann were doing things too, but they weren't important.

Anyway, there was a knock at the door. One of the weird little Dracula servants came into the main Sue room, leading Jade H. with them.

"He he, those things crack me up," she said. "OK, so Sues; today is your second challenge. As we all know, Mary Sues are usually seen as young women or teenagers. But what about the Sue children?"

All the Sues blinked at the same time.

"Uhh...yeah, so your challenge today is...you'll be going to a Mary Sue Day Care and mentoring young Sues on how to be good and awesome!"

"Well, that won't be so bad," Kerry-Ann said sweetly. "I love kids and they love me"  
Jade H. snorted. "Yeah, well you haven't met these little spawns of Satan. Super Nanny would never work again."

The Sues looked around nervously.

"Well, come on now! Time to meet your doom- I mean kids!" Jade H. said cheerily.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

A few minutes later, the Sues and their host had come to a cheery little Transylvanian cottage. Some how it seemed sinister, what with the bright lights and flowers and all.

Jade H. turned to them. "This is the day care. Don't let looks deceive you; this place is evil. Ready? Now lets go in"  
Jade H. slowly turned the door knob.  
The Sues gasped beautifully.

Inside the cottage was much bigger than the outside.  
It was all cool, and filled with little Mary Sues. Some of them were really young, like 5 or something, and they all looked as innocent and special as Kerry-Ann!  
They were all talking and eating and playing and stuff.

The Mary Sues walked in, beaming at the adorable little Sues and remembering how cute they themselves were when they were little.  
"OK, ladies. You've all been assigned a kid and when I call your name, you can start the mentoring, kay? First, Amee," Jade H. said.

Everyone snickered meanly, knowing that Amee couldn't raise an earthworm, let alone take care of a whole kid!  
"OMIGOSH! Kids! SOOOO cute!" Amee squealed.  
"Yyyyyeah...OK, here's your assigned kid." Jade H. gestured to a tiny blond Sue. The kid was very sweet looking, with big blue eyes and blond pigtails. Yeah, almost sickeningly cute.

Amee started jumping up and down. "OMIGOSH! HI!" she cried.  
"Uh...hi. I'm Dabria," whispered the Sue.  
"OMG SO CUTE!1111!" Amee screamed. She grabbed Dabria's wrist and started running off, screaming something about a make over.

"Wow. Poor kid. But anyway! Antonia, you get this little Cutie," Jade H. pointed to a little girl who was grinning psychotically. "I just used my telepathy to glue your hair in spikes," she informed Antonia.

Antonia patted her hair with wide eyes. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! YOU HORRIBLE MONSTER! YOU WILL PAY"  
"Not if you want to win the challenge," the Sue, whose name was Desmonda (which means 'Of the Devil'), said mockingly. Then she stuck her fingers in her mouth and started making faces at Antonia.

"Ha ha! Kids. Casondrah, here's your, uh...mentor-ie. Her name is Fantine." Jade H. turned to an adorable little Sue who was staring blankly with her mouth open and snot coming out of her nose.  
"Charming," Casondrah grimaced.

"Yep. Now, Duvessa, your kid is Mia!" A bouncy little Sue with a long black braid and up-turned nose came hopping out of the shadows.  
Duvessa studied the Sue for a moment. "Alright...she doesn't look so horrible. OK Mia, come with me and"  
"NO!" Mia screamed.

Everyone looked surprised. "Uh...what?" Duvessa asked.  
"I. SAID. NO!" Mia shrieked.  
"...OK, we can do something else"  
"I DON'T WANT TO"  
"That's it you brat, just come with me!" Duvessa grabbed Mia's arm and dragged her out the door. "We will have FUN and you will LIKE it!"

"Whoo! One of them is going down! So, Hanna. Here's yours," a Sue with a perfect know -it-all look came out with her arms crossed, giving Hanna a look.  
"I'M Jerica. MY mommy says YOU'RE just an Anna knock off!" the little Sue said snottily.

Hanna clinched her fists and had to stop herself from smacking the Sue upside the head.  
"Heh heh...how cute. Now, I'm gonna teach you how to be a good little Sue. Come on!" Hanna yanked Jerica to a table at the far end of the building.

"Jeez, I wonder if they'd rather take care of these kids or a rabid sunk?" Jade H. wondered. "So Jade S., here's your bundle of joy. Her name is"  
"HI MY NAMES GABI WHAT'S YOURS LETS PLAY A GAME!" a Sue screamed, bouncing up and down.  
"There's a good chance I won't want to have kids anymore after this," Jade S. commented.  
Then she walked away with Gabi jumping after her.

"Please, all of you will feel that way. Now, Kacila. You've got Kory." A little blond Sue didn't even turn around; she was too busy chatting on her sparkly pink cell phone.  
"Ooo, she's wearing sun glasses inside. That's never a good sign," Kacila said.  
Kory whirled around. "Would you people, like, shut UP! I'm talking to my agent, here"  
"OK...I'll just wait, then," Kacila said nervously.

"Kids today, with their cell phones and Hola Hoops!" Jade H. griped, shaking her head. "Kerry-Ann, you get...Gert"  
The most un-Sueish Sue you can imagine stomped up to Kerry-Ann.  
"Huh, wow. Aren't you...buff," Kerry-Ann patted Gert's muscle-y arm. "Well, why don't you come with me and I'll help you be more like a Mary Sue"  
Gert followed Kerry-Ann out the door to the front yard.

"Wow. So last but not least, Tempest, your kid to mentor is Vala," a perfectly normal looking Sue walked out of the shadows (keep in mind that 'perfectly normal' for a Sue is still drop dead gorgeous).

"Hi, Vala! Aren't you cute?" Tempest said, patting her on the head.  
"Your skirt is really short. Why is it so short?" Vala asked.  
"Uh...never mind that," Tempest pushed her away.

Jade H. turned to the camera. "And now we'll see how the Sues do. Don't worry, they will be watched carefully to make sure none of the kids end up dead."

XOXOXOXOXO

/Amee/

Amee had Dabria sitting in front of a mirror. "You are gonna be, like, SO cool when I get done with you!" Amee chattered while Dabria looked severely traumatized.

"Time to streak and highlight your hair!" Amee cried.  
"B-but I don't want streaks and highlights!" Dabria said.  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's funny! Like someone wouldn't want highlights!" Amee laughed, streaking goo through the little Sue's hair.

That's about all that went on through Amee's 'mentoring.' Let's move on.

XOXOXOXOXOXO /Antonia/

Antonia and Desmonda sat across from each other at a table, both of them with their arms crossed.  
Desmonda decided to break the silence. "Your eyes are stupid lookin'."

"Yeah? Vell I make up for it Vith these REALLY sharp teeth that I can use at any moment to bite you and shut you up," Antonia threatened.  
"Not if you want to win!" Desmonda started tugging on her face and sticking her tongue out.  
"And your accent's stupid, too!"

Antoina chose to ignore this one. "Look, don't you vant to learn how to be a perfect little Sue"  
"No, I want to set my pet bats on you!" Desmonda answered, smushing her nose up and grinning weirdly.

Antonia remembered this thing she'd read about once. Reverse Psychology.  
"Alright," she said uncaringly. "I don't vant you to be a good Sue, anyvay. In fact, you can't be, no matter how much you vant it"  
Desmonda jumped up and down in her seat. "YAAAAAAY!"

Anotina groaned, dropping her head onto the table. "But you have so much potential!" she exclaimed. "Look at you! You could be one of the vicked, evil Sues! You could take over the entire universe if you vanted to!"

Desmonda's eyes glinted evilly. "Keep talkin"  
Antonia sensed she was getting some where. "Think about it. Desmonda: Destroyer of Worlds, the most feared vampire throughout Transylvania. Scratch that. The most feared vampire everywhere! Dracula wouldn't stand a chance against YOU!"

Desmonda put her hands together. "Eeeeeeexcelent"  
Antonia nodded quickly. "You could totally do it! All you need is a slightly dim witted side kick"  
Desmonda jumped up. "Yes! Yes! It just might work! And you can be my side kick"  
Antonia started do argue, then shrugged. She could take care of this kid after she won the challenge.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

/Casondrah/

Casondrah had taken Fantine to an ice cream place across the street, figuring all kids loved ice cream.  
Fantine had taken two bites and decided that was enough.  
She hadn't said anything for like, 20 minutes, so Casondrah thought it was time to break the ice.

"So...Fantine...Lets talk about what you like to do, then we can start on what type of Sue you are," she suggested.  
"Ummm... I like to watch Sponge Bob...and Hannah Montana...Wanna hear me sing the theme song"  
"God, please no!" Casondrah cried. "OK, so you like TV. Right, so possibly some type of Fan girl Sue?"

Fantine just stared at some pigeons.

"And don't you want to know how to act like a proper Sue?" Casondrah asked.  
"Wanna hear me do a High School Musical song?" Fantine suddenly demanded.  
Casondrah screamed and covered ears. "PLEASE! Anything but that! Really Fantine, how do you expect to be a good Sue when all you do is watch crappy TV?"

Fantine just shrugged.

Casondrah forced a smile. "Well, I see you've got the mindless-ness and no personality down, and that's part of it. But now lets work on being totally perfect, OK? Now do you have any special powers"  
"Nope."

"Great. No powers, not gorgeous, no super seduction, nothing...THAT'S IT! You could be an entirely different type of Sue! Boy am I a genius!

And we'll see why at the end.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

/Duvessa/

"So, Mia, I was thinking we'd go to a shop or something so I could teach you how to dress like a proper Sue, and then"  
"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" Mia screamed.  
"Ugh! What is wrong with you, kid!" Duvessa demanded.

"I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU!" Mia snapped.  
"Yeah? Well guess what? I'M the grown up here, so we do things MY way!" Duvessa snapped. "NO!"

Duvessa was really at a loss. Was it legal to force kids into a shop and make them get new clothes? More importantly, was it legal to duct tape their mouths shut?  
"Mia," Duvessa sighed. "Please? I really need you to help me win this challenge. Can't I just teach you how to be a Sue?"

"NOOOOOOOO!"

"God damn it &$&!" Duvessa snarled, kicking an innocent bush in frustration. Then an idea occurred to her.  
"Listen kid; I could make very much worth your while"  
"NO YOU CAN'T!  
"I totally could. Would Mr. Washington convince you to come with me?" Duvessa raised an eyebrow, holding up a one dollar bill.

"Pffft. Cheap skate," Mia scoffed, folding her arms.  
Duvessa frowned. "Alright...how about Mr. Lincoln?" And she produced a five dollar bill.  
"Does Mr. Lincoln have a brother?" Mia asked. "Uh, yeah, but I forget who else is on American money," Duvessa shrugged. "So, to get to the point, how much do you want you little punk?"

Mia leaned up and whispered her amount. Duvessa's eyes almost popped out of her head.  
"WHAT! HOW MUCH!" Mia just nodded.  
"Alright you little..." Duvessa muttered, whipping out a check book. "Drakkie is SO not gonna like this one..."

Mia held up the check to the sun, trying to determine whether or not it was a fake.  
Finally she smiled sweetly. "Why thank you, auntie Duvessa! Let's go shopping!"

XOXOXOXOXOXO

/Hanna/

Hanna had taken her little Cutie to a park to help train her in Sueish fighting (like, fighting tons of were-wolves at once without breaking a sweat).

"So, Jerica, are you interested in becoming a Sue like me?" Hanna asked conversationally. "I want to be one of the COOL Sues," Jerica said arrogantly. "Like a vampire or something. Not a LAME one like an Anna knock off!"

Hanna was using all her anger management tips, trying to not punch the kid.  
"That's...great. Now, the key to being a great hunter/fighter is to"  
"Is it TURE that you kidnapped Anna and tricked Van Helsing into making out with you?" Jerica demanded.  
"What!...who told you that?" Hanna whispered.

"Duh! Everyone knows!" Jerica said, examining her nails.  
Hanna shook her head. "OK, just remember you're already a Mary Sue, so fighting Sueishly will come naturally for you. Now if you'll just take the sword-"

"Why did you steal Anna's identity?" Jerica asked. "Everyone likes HER so much better"  
"Look, I don't need this from a 6 year old," Hanna sighed.  
"Duh! I'm 10"  
"Oh, wow," Hanna said sarcastically. There was silence.

"Alright, what kind of Sueish stuff are you into?" Hanna finally asked.  
"Duh. I like being super smarty and making everyone else look stupid. I've been practicing on you," Mia answered.

"Hmm. Yes...you know, maybe we could start a whole new type of Sue! You could be some type of Sue who grows up to be paired with Carl! Yeah, and both of you being so smart, it could add tension to the story, you always being smarter!"

Jerica looked mildly impressed. "Hey...that could work"  
"Yeah! Now lets go work on being perfect!" Hanna said, and the two of them walked toward town, into the sunset. Even though it was 2 in the after noon.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

/Jade S./

Jade S. had only spent five minutes with her Sue and she was already exhausted.  
Gabi wouldn't shut up.

"You wanna play candy land? I'm good at that game cause I love candy! Can you tell I love sugar? Some people say they can tell I love sugar! Can you? Can ya? Can ya? You wanna play candy land!" Gabi chattered.

"No."

"Does that mean yes?"

"NO"  
"WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN!" Gabi screamed, immediately bursting into tears.  
"I'm not," Jade S. sighed. "OK, you wanna play a game? I got a GREAT one! It's called...the quiet game!"

Gabi's face looked like 8( "You think I'm stupid, don't you? WHY DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID? I GET GREAT GRADES IN FINGER PAINTING! WAHHHHH!"

"OK! OK." Jade H. rubbed her mouth, wondering how she was supposed to teach this little weirdo. "Alright Gabi...I've got an idea. You"  
"You wanna hear a song!" Gabi screamed, brightening immediately. "It goes like this: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA"  
Jade S. clamped her hand over the little Sue's mouth as the camera crew dropped their equipment to cover their ears.

"NO! Listen, I was thinking we DO play a game. OMG, this is so fun! OK, I'm gonna tell you to do something, and you have to do it or you lose!" Jade S. said.  
"Like Simon Says!" Gabi cried, her eyes cartoonishly wide and sparkly.  
"Uh...exactly like Simon Says," Jade S. nodded.

It was a brilliant plan. She would make Gabi THINK they were playing a game, when really she would tell her to do things all proper Mary Sues should do. Jade S. took a moment to bask in her own brilliance.

"OK, Mary Sue says...toss your hair and look mysterious," Jade S. commanded. She demonstrated perfectly. We all know looking mysterious is a big part of Suedom, so it was a good start.

Gabi stopped bouncing long enough to flip her black hair and glare out from under her bangs mysteriously.  
"Great!" Jade S. clapped. "Now, trip stupidly over something, look up, and scream 'VAN

HELSING! SAVE ME!'" Another big part of this was being a Damsel in Distress, which was what Jade was going for.  
Gabi ran a few steps, went tripped lightly, and screamed.Jade wiped a tear from her eye. "I've never been so proud!"

XOXOXOXOXOXO

/Kacila/

"Yeah, I know! So then I was like, nuh uh! And she was all Yeah huh! And I said 'Nuh uh! And she's like, 'yeah huh'! So I punched her and took her cell phone," Kory chatted into the phone.

Kacila sat next to her at a table out side, waiting for her to get done. But after twenty minutes of conversation a lot like the one above, Kacila had had enough.  
"Look, Kory, are we gonna do this or not?"

"Kay, I gotta go. I don't know, some bee-otch is all up in ma space!" Kory snapped the phone shut and glared. "WTF?"

"OK, you know it's a good sign that your shallow and dumb, it really is. But there's more to Suedom to then shallowness," Kacila explained wisely.  
Kory just gave her a 'yeah right' look.  
"Alright, there's not much more than that. But seriously! You need to know how to kick ass, even if you never use those skills."

Kory rolled her eyes. "Yeah, WHAT EV." Kacila smiled. "Great." She tossed her a sword out of no where. "OK, now the most important thing to remember when being a vampire hunter is that you MUST make snarky comments before and after all butt-kicking. And always say something that makes Van Helsing look dumb; this adds tension."

Kacila stood up. "Also, you have to be awesome at sword fighting. Now, I'm gonna come at you with this sword, OK?" Kacila ran up to her slowly (don't ask how.  
Suddenly...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Kacila screamed. Kory's body guards were on top of her, pinning her arms behind her back.  
"EEOW! Help! Help!" Kory just laughed meanly.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

/Kerry-Ann/

Kerry-Ann sat opposite Gert, sipping delicatly from a little tea cup. Gert almost took up the whole chair.  
"Ahem, well, Gert. How do you like being a Sue?" Kerry-Ann asked nicely.  
"I like Sue," Gert answered. She picked up the tea pot and downed it.

"Well, that's nice. So...what type of Sue do you think you'd like to be?" Kerry-Ann questioned somewhat nervously.  
"I want your hair," Gert grabbed Kerry-Ann by the collar and picked her up off her seat.  
"Ack! Gert, no! Put me down!" she squealed. She was too sweet to use swear words, but she would have.

"OK," Gert sat her back down.  
"Jeez...Alright. Lets think about the things your good at. Um...I'm going to guess you're good at smashing things?" Kerry-Ann guessed.

"Gert like to smash," Gert demonstrated by smashing the tea pot.  
"Oy. Well that's...great! Uh...what type of Sue do you think you could be?" Kerry-Ann was running out of things to say.

"Maybe...smashing Sue?" Gert guessed.  
Kerry-Ann took a deep breath. "This is not working. How about we take you to the salon and get your Sue looks"  
"Are there things to smash"  
"Sure, Gert."

XOXOXOXOXOXO

/Tempest/

Tempest had decided to take her Sue to a park. What was more fun than a park? And what better way to point out how not to act for a kid?  
Vala hadn't said too much, just asked questions.

"Hey, auntie Tempest? Why is your top so low cut?" Vala asked.  
Tempest rolled her eyes. "Never you mind"  
"But how come your boobs look so fake"  
"HEY!"

Tempest turned to her angrily. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Alright kid, you want to learn how to be a good Sue? And they are so not fake"  
"OK," Vala shrugged.

"Great. Well, the one piece of advice I can give you is"  
"Hey, Aunt Tempest? Why do you have a tattoo that says 'All Aboard'? In five different languages? On your back?" Vala asked.  
"UGH!" Tempest smacked her forehead. "Come on, Vala! When you're older, ya know?

Seriously, though. When you're a big grown up Sue, the one thing you have to remember is"  
"Are you a slut? My big sister told me what a slut was. Are you one?" Vala asked.  
"Of course not! And when you're a Sue, you're never 'sultty'. Only beautiful or something."

There was silence. But not for long!  
"Are you a hooker?" Vala said, just loudly enough for the passing children to hear.  
"NO! Well...No! No, I'm not!" Tempest cried. "Look, Vala. Please just let me tell you this so I can say I mentored you?"

"Do you have a lot of boyfriends?" Vala asked.  
"That's it! Go play with the other brats out there!" Tempest shouted, flopping onto a bench.  
"OK," Vala shrugged, and raced off to go play.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

All the Sues stood in a row with the little kids.  
Jade H. and the other judges (the hot guys were still in therapy) inspected all of them.  
Amee was first.

She stood behind Dabria, grinning wildly, sure she'd won.  
Dabria had been turned into a mini-Amee, wearing too much make up and clothes that should not be on a 5 year old.

"Holy...Why? Just why?" Jade H. demanded. Amee kept on grinnin.  
"Isn't she like, awesome! She looks just like me!" Amee cried hugging Dabria.  
"Yeah...whatever." Jade H. turned to Antonia, who looked a little nervous.

"Antonia," Jade H. said sternly. "Where is your Sue"  
"Um...Ahem...she's out taking over the world..." Antonia muttered.  
"Antonia!" Jade H. cried. "Ya know, for someone so pretty, you're sure an idiot!"

Shaking her head, she moved on to Casondrah, who was beaming proudly.  
"Well Casondrah, how'd you screw up your kid?" Jade H. asked. Casondrah glared. "I didn't! I just realized that she had no looks, brains, talents, or powers- no offense,"

Casondrah added to Fantine. "But it was great! I simply turned her into...AN ANTI-SUE!" Everyone seemed impressed. "Wow, that's actually a good idea! We don't get many of them around here!" Jade H. smiled and went over to Duvessa.

Mia was smiling sweetly and holding a cotton candy thing.  
"I love auntie Duvessa," she said nicely.  
"Awww," said everyone watching.  
"How cute," Jade H. said. She looked up at Duvessa. "You gave her money, didn't you"  
"Dammit!" Duvessa muttered. "Well, I did manage to turn her into a sweet little well behaved thing, right?"

"True...but the point was to show her how to be a great Sue, like you. Sorry you wasted money, though. " Jade H. moved on to Hanna.  
Jerica was standing there, actually not looking rude. She look really Sueish, but in a smart way.

"We decided to make our own breed of Sue: The Super Smart Carl Rival Sue!" Hanna announced.  
Jerica stepped up. "I spend my days making important inventions, writing down things, and reading big stuffy books. That way, when I get older and become super gorgeous, I can out-smart Carl!"

"Wow," Jade H. said. "Like the world needed a new type of Sue. But I gotta give you points, Hanna, for motivating this kid to become something Sueish." The random judges nodded along, putting things on their clip boards.

They came to Jade S. and Gabi.  
"Well Jade, I have to say I don't see much of a difference in your kid," Jade H. told her.  
"JADE TOUGHT ME HOW TO DO ALL KINDS OF THINGS!" Gabi screamed, jumping at the camera. "I learned how to give the Mysterious Smoldering Look (tm), get saved by the hero, and I killed a were-wolf ALL BY MYSELF!"

All the Sues stared at Jade S. "How the Sue did you do that"  
She shrugged. "I'm just that awesome."

Jade H. turned to the camera. "It would be about this time that we'd talk to Kacila. But...she's still in the hospital recovering from the body guards. So we'll just go straight to Kerry-Ann!"

Everyone there gaped at Gert, who was practically unrecognizable. Kerry-Ann had done an incredible job on her, making her look all dainty and sweet.  
"How...What...Huh?" was all Jade H. could say, she was so stunned.  
Kerry-Ann giggled sweetly. "Oh, silly mortals! You once again underestimate the power of Sues of appearances!" And she left it at that.

"Amazing..." Jade H. ogled. "OK, Tempest, you're last. And Vala...is still completely the same. What the hell"  
"NOTHING gets through to this kid!" Tempest sobbed. "All she does is ask questions"  
As if on cue, Vala pointed to Jade H. and asked, "Why aren't you as pretty as the other Jade?"

Jade H. stared at her for a few moments in silence.  
"ANYWAY. Time for the immunity. Jade S., you did really well, turning your kid into a real live Sue. But Kerry made hers pretty, and that's all that matters, so she wins"  
Kerry-Ann clapped her hands happily.

"Now for the voting." Jade H. sat the Van Helsing hat in front of the others.  
After everyone had put their piece of paper in, she counted the votes.  
"First vote, Amee. Tempest. Amee. Antonia. Tempest. Kacila. Tempest. Kerry-Ann. And the second Sue voted out of Van Helsing: SUEvivor is..."

SEVERAL COMMERCIALS LATER

"...Duh, Tempest"  
"Wha? No!" Tempest cried. "But I'm the Sue! Watch me be Sueish!" Tempest screamed as security dragged her out of the building.

"Crazy. Alright, I'll see you Sues next week!"

END OF CHALLENGE 2:

NEXT WEEK ON SUEvivor: The Sues get in a fight and the show gets more male viewers.

A/N: Hope that's a good chapter. SO sorry it took me so long! Please review: ) 


End file.
